This is Alex. Lex to me. He is my closest friend and ally. We have shared over the past 6 years many of the greatest hurdles that we as human beings can face in this life – the death of loved ones, serious and crippling mental illness, a break-up, arguments, moving cities, distance, addiction – and we have shared some of the most beautiful together, too. As Alex told me on the phone when I cried for 40 minutes straight to him last night, I will never lose him ~ this is a friendship that will last a lifetime. It takes all my power to write that because my OCD, which I was diagnosed with in my twenties, is telling me not to for fear it won’t come true. But I am writing it. Because I trust us, I trust him. I took this picture in a grassy nook hidden from the outside world by an abundance of sweet-smelling ferns beside the Hill Garden and Pergola in Hampstead. We had raided Waitrose for Prosecco and the finest picnic they had to offer, with cured meats, mini cheeses and freshly made ham baguettes. It was an absolutely gorgeous late August day and magic was in the air, as I often feel when we spend time together.
How many of us I wonder are privileged to have healthy and supportive friendships, someone you know you could bring anything you could ever say or do to? And have it held, knowing they would listen, knowing they would give you comfort? Until Alex and I moulded this friendship, I thought this kind of acceptance was only possible with a therapist. I am so grateful that this is not the case. But this does lead me to what I want to talk about here. For when we bare our souls ~ the terrible thought, the fear of our own seething red-hot anger, the crippling shame we feel we can’t possibly share, the pain that we are certain will engulf us ~ and it is held softly, gently by someone else, and we are told that it will be okay, that we are okay ~ it soothes and regulates us, and it gives us the strength to go on. Most importantly, it teaches us that if this thing that we thought was so awful can be held, that someone won’t turn away or put us behind bars, then we can hold it ourselves, too. I truly believe that if we all had at least one person we could turn to with anything, the world would be a very different place.
So how does one nourish a healthy, supportive friendship ~ a friendship that witnesses all our pain and all our joy, a friendship that is reassuringly secure?
Something Lex and I do is indulge in our (healthy) shared interests. These include folk music, good food, books that make you want to be a better person, and getting outside and exploring new places, particularly green spaces, surrounded by Nature. It is here we feel most at peace, and marvelling at Mother Nature is important to us. I once wrote on the notes on my phone when we first met, ‘The land is in him and the land is in me’. In both new and old friendships, nurturing shared interests is sacrosanct, for these are usually the first things that bring us together, and what we fall back on when we’re not sure how to spend the day.
On our most recent excursion, we visited The Hill Garden & Pergola, nestled between Hampstead Heath and Golders Hill Park in North-West London. It was constructed in the early part of the 20th century during the Edwardian era, restored as gardens and opened to the public in 1963. I saw families and influencers taking fun photographs surrounded by this impressive backdrop. I highly recommend visiting here with a friend ~ it is free and there are benches to sit and take in the scenery and views from this elevated arbour position above the gardens themselves.
Something I have learned the hard way is that some experiences are best shared, having moved countries three times, each time on my own. I found it lonely and I had no one to bounce off or make memories with. So – my second suggestion for a healthy supportive friendship is to make happy memories in places that you can return to, either to reminisce or make new ones.
Today, we made new memories at The Holly Bush Inn in Hampstead. We made our way here following our picnic at the Pergola, and I ordered a £15 glass of wine by mistake, but Alex didn’t bat an eyelid. Well, he did, but he saw the funny side to it pretty quickly! The last time I was here, I was in the ice-cold grip of depression and had to go to work for a night shift, leaving my friends with a bottle of rose, which I would have much preferred to be sharing with them. On this occasion, Alex and I sat at the bar, happy to be in each other’s company and laughing about my expensive taste in wine. Later, we moseyed out to the front and stood in the sun looking up at this pretty pub, which dates back to the 18th century, hidden on a winding road in Hampstead called Holly Mount. It felt good to return here to make a happy new memory, and I was grateful that the shifting sands of time had given me the grace to feel a lot better than the last time I was here.
There are also a couple of small things that are, in fact, not small at all ~ checking in regularly with each other, either by phone, text or in person, even if it is just to see how your days have been. This keeps you present and invested in each other’s lives. And finally (and this is crucial), try not to turn away no matter how difficult the thing your friend is telling you is to hear. And try not to panic either, although I understand that, in some situations, this is very, very hard. I say this because what we do not need in the midst of crisis is for someone to reflect it back to us and confirm our own brokenness. We need someone to say: ‘Oh look ~ you fell down, and you scratched your knee, but look ~ you can get back up again, and you can lean on me, and your scratch will heal’.
A Couple of Little Tips for How to Spot Your Next True Friend
An important question to ask yourself when you first meet someone is: do you feel joyful, expansive, light, happy? Or do you feel contracted and crave space to get through the day? No judgement here ~ I often experience both of these simultaneously. You may, I hope, notice signs of serendipity within your friendship, of things being right with the Universe when you are together. I think we are more aware of these and more akin to them when we are with someone we trust deeply and who brings us great joy. For me, they are signs that remind me of my childhood, of the seasons changing even as we enjoy the late flush of Summer. A bright green holly bush, ready for Autumn and the following Winter to turn its berries red…
And a silver tabby cat, the kind I had always wished for as a young girl, rubbing itself against my legs as we walked up the hill. The ease of the day felt festive, as though we were held by something much greater than ourselves. And perhaps that is the most important sign of all when it comes to gauging a healthy friendship ~ a friendship that can change or save your life. For, perhaps, that greater something we feel holding us is love.
In Love&Light, FS XOX
A Daughter of Nyx 